~*/ m | c h 3 L L 3 \*~

it's gonna be the time of the year! Christmas! hmm... it's gonna be a different christmas this year.. from the past years.. usually i'll spend them with serene. eileen etc.. at church...but this year, i'll be with friends.. and in Kukup.. first time not spending christmas in Singapore.. gonna leave on friday morning..24th...x'mas eve.. i'll give mummy a call on thursday night.. wish her merry christmas first..

met a funny taxi driver today.. i took it from woodlands to ang mo kio.. then chatted on the way..the i just merely told him the if he is around this area and has no passengers, can come back here 45 mins later... and indeed.. 45 mins later, he's at the carpark..haha.. so i took his cab from AMK to bishan.. then i told him that if he is around pasir ris and has no passenger, can come at 2pm.. and at 2pm, he's at pasir ris! haha.. then after that, no more le lah.. haha.. he says day time no business de.. his working hours is 7am to 10pm at night.. so he says if he's around the area, he dun mind.. got money to earn mah.. actually like that also good lah...i dun need to wait for cab *keke* he gave me his name card.. then next time i can call him...dun need to pay extra fee leh...

tmr 11am going childcare watce carel and desmond perform.. so exciting..dunno how issit like in cihldcare to celebrate x'mas.. oh! i bought a x'mas present already.. for the gift exchange at KuKup trip.. the person i'm supposed to buy for is..hmm.. well, not exactly close to her...but alright lah.. bought her a blouse.. the budget is $10, so i bought her a $10 blouse from This Fashion.. not bad k :) well..wonder who picked my name..i have this strong feeling that it's Ronald..well, i'll know it soOn!

Merry Christmas!

feel like an ant today...so hardworking... ran all around singapore today.. woke up at 9am.. went hougang to teach Mikki till 11am.. then went to St Nicks' to see Fanny's PSLE results... well, she got 240.. so, i still maintain the highest PSLE score of 245 in my family! *keke* but this year's standard really very high... even the newspaper published that the science paper was not in the syllybus at all... but Fanny got all A's..not too bad.. that time i still got higher chinese.. but useless one lah..only add to my exam work load.. then mummy went too.. so all throughout, i was chatting with her.. she miss me.. keke..

She told me to visit my nanny and grandfather frequently.. coz they're old already... then took care of me when i'm young.. so i should go and visit them... so i've made up my mind.. i'm gonna visit grandfather & nanny monthly.. grandfather on the 3rd week, nanny on the 4th week..

Mummy's gonna retire.. then she told me some of her worries..that scared money not enough.. i guess that will push me to strive harder now.. really.. but i really dunno how to organise my time..

then after PSLE results, i went shaw to teach again.. then went to aranda to help Jiarui check in his class chalet.. damn far.. took me 1.5 hours to travel there... decided that i dun wanna take bus home, so i demanded $10 from their class fund as my transport fee, so i'm home! :)

still having gastric.. pain! gonna have dinner soon.. lalala~ and lorraine's labtop is back! just annouce for her.. coz i know she's happy..

oh! and i read jiaxin's blog yesterday.. wah piangz... damn exciting man...machiam scandal.. never mind.. i'm a bitch myself.. actually i suddenly came to realised that girls from girls' school are quite daring, compared to mixed school.. i dunno how to put it across... it's just that the way we do things are different.. i'm sure Girls' school girls will understand what i'm talking about..

H.U.N.G.R.Y

oh man.. finally, 4 wisdom teeth were extracted! went Alexandra hospital on wed... darling drove me and mummy there... and i was then asked to remove all jewellery and change into the sugery 'gown'...then suppose to lie down on the bed and they monitor my situation.. so scary.. i took blood test and i cry like hell...so paiseh... luckily the nurses were nice..

then they have to put the "tube" into my vein...and my wrist there... so that i can be put on drip.. freak out man! but anyhow, i made friends with the nurses there .. so i wasn't so bored.. then when time comes... i walk to the surgery room... i was told to lie down.. so scary...all the equipment around me... then.. the nurse talked to me.. i know..he was trying to divert my attention... coz i know.. at that time.. i'm gonna be knock out.. the nurse asked "girl..wat's your weight".... i remembered replying "it's confidential.. i know you're trying to divert my attention.. and i can feel something.. i'm gonna sleep soon, bye bye~"...haha..lame... then when i woke up, everything was over. woke up with 2 gauze stuff in my mouth.. then nurse passed me the 4 teeth that was extracted..however..it was short of one.. haha.. nurse say that particular tooth was unique, dentist decides to take photograph of it and keep it... hmm... wonder how it looks like...

supposed to go remove the stitches today.. still must pay $27 *HMPH* but can't make it today.. hafta go another time then.. perhaps tmr... wonder how issit like to remove the stitches...eecks.. better not be painful..

After the surgery, i have to take like 7 pills after meal.. antibiotics, painkillers..etc... then gastric came... sigh... pain like shit.. for a few days already.. wanna die..

Mummy's gonna retire soon.. and i've to strive doubly hard.. coz i know. she'll depend on me in future..

it's time...for the extraction of my wisdom tooth... scared! i'm waiting now... for darling to wake up... then fetch my mom.. then off we go to alexandra hospital for the surgery.. scared, really very scared.. i'm not exactly afraid of the surgery.. the thing i'm really afraid of is the injection! oh well.. darling promised to be there..

sometimes, darling's waking up habit really get on my nerves.. it's a feat to overcome, trying to wake him up.. i just dun wanna bother anymore.. let him lead his own life.. and that i dun need to depend on him for fear that my schedule of the day will all be messed up... army will do him good...

there are butterflies, caterpillars, snakes, worms etc... crawling in my stomach now... off to the loo... wish me speedy tooth recovery!

it's been a few weeks already... that i've moved away.. everything's almost in place now.. my stuff...furniture...etc....

just came back from YCK from teaching Daniel.. Mrs Koh asked me if i was interested in teaching IT music at childcare centres.. well, i said i was open to new stuff.. and told her to contact me with the details :)

going for a tooth extraction on wed morning..it's gonna hurt like shit.. i know.. 4 wisdom tooth(What do you expect?).. gotta be at alexandra at 9am.. operations starts at 10am.. probably be discharged at 2-3pm.. i'm actually quite alright with the idea of extracting the 4 wisdom tooth, just that i'm really afraid of needles! the thought of having to be put on drip and injected with annestatic freaks me out...can they like put me to sleep using smell, then put the drip when i'm unconcious? at least i won't feel the pain.. and darling's going zao hui... so he can't be with me.. i'll be asleep anyway.. as long as before i sleep and after i wake up he's there can already...but dunno he free or not *sobz*

I'm supposed to leave him alone for one and a half months... to do the things he should do.. i know... and admit that i'm partially the one holding him back.. am i selfish? i too wish for him to succeed..so that i can have a better life next time *keke* no lah.. just that i understand he doesn't have much time left.. but these few weeks.... too many things have happened to me... over-whelming i would say.. i can't really handle them all.. it's like emotions all fighting inside me.. i just dunno how to express it.. i'll just keep them in my thoughts..

I'm only 20.. it's the start of my life.. my future will be bright.. dun ask me how & why... i just know it will...

I moved out!..finally! Many emotions and feelings, dunno how to express them all..

I miss my mummy, and i know my mummy miss me.. we've been keeping contact over the phone.. have never felt so close to her before... i know she loves me, and i love her too.. She called me today, asking me how i was adapting outside home.. then she told me she also left home at the age of 18 to be on her own.. she says it's good for me.. i can learn to be independent.. and to focus on what i wanna do in life, and to succeed in whatever i do...

*Listening to "Journey" by Zhang Shao Han... it's indeed a long long journey... have never expected myself to have come this far..

Darling has been very sweet... hmm...i dunno how and what to say over her.. it seems like both of us has come a long way.. we're still trying to adapt to each other's living habits.. it's interesting though..

well.. i just have to end off by saying " Thank God for Mummy"!

haven't blogged for ages... dun feel like blogging all of the sudden.. so many events had happened, duno where to start...

i'm going to move outta my house.. i just cannot stay in the environment anymore.. it sucks happiness away from me.. not that i dun love my family, just that..i need to be away... i dunno if mummy can understand.. but i'm gonna bring it up to here very soon.. that i'm gonna leave home.. and when i'm ready, i'll be home again.. ready meaning.. i've acheived wat i want.. dunno where to shift to.. darling ask me to shift to his house.. i feel like it.. but i have to ponder.. i've looked into classifed ads, and they have rooms over at sembawang..thot i'll live nearer to darling, so he can send me home easily.. rental's from $200 to $350.. depending on whether i use aircon or not.. if i shift over to dar's place.. wat if we quarrel? or...... i dunno.. ultimately, i'm still living at someone's house.. dun really have the total freedom.. wat should i do? anyhow, i'll come out with the decision at the end of the month..

Jimmy should be in China now.. wonder how's he.. together with his family.. i suppose he has alot of things to tell them.. he haven't been back home for almost a year! it'll be a good time for them to fellowship with one another.. recieved an email from him yesterday.. telling us he's fine... well, i'm happy for him.. really looking forward to the good news that he'll bring..

I'm really very astonished by the step he's taken.. forgo 2 modules' exam and go back to china coz of biz.. it's really because of him that gives me the drive to do what i should be doing.. and with the latest promotion... i dun really have anymore excuse to succeed... i'm really determined.. but the only thing that's holding me back is the environment i'm staying in.. i gotta move.. i really have to.. well, i'll just strive hard this 3 months...and everything will be over.. or rather, a start or another journey!

failed driving again... perhaps i'm just not cut out to drive.. however, i'll just go on.. i'll just make it one day..

suddenly felt so lifeless... haven't been to movies for months, no shopping, no entertainment.. my life's just dwelling around money.. sometime i wonder if this is life's true meaning.. i only ponder and feel emotional over 2 issues...that's money and relationship.. money is still very important to me, however relationship ... be it family, friends, bgr etc.. i can't seem to feel anymore.. money seems to be riding on top of it.. isn't it just so fake? so artificial? i told myself.. i can do without relationship.. how true is that, i dunno...

also, i begin to feel the drift between darling and i... no longer like before.. perhaps i'm just being too sensitive... i feel that we're with each other because we need each other's company.. if not because of work, i doubt we'll still be hanging onto each other.. am i thinking too much? i do admit that i'm reliant on him.. think i'll be so lost without him.. dunno.. we're both very different in thinking.. and even the ways we do things.. sometimes our ideas clashes.. mood swings plays many roles in our relationship.. despite all the differences, of coz... there are similarities as well.. our interest...etc.....

i'm beginning to feel that i'm going into depression.. someone save me..

it's raining.. i'm alone at home... got back from teaching 2 students, still have 3 more in the evening...

was chatting with a taxi-driver on my way home.. was telling him what i'm doing.. he was bloody impressed with me.. saying a 20 year old girl... teaches piano and coaches swimming.. well, it kinda feels like a norm.. not special feelings towards it..

i feel that my life is totally different from all my friends... as in, i feel like i'm having all the time in the world (It's bad...i know).... i'm too comfortable with my life now to make any changes..just that, i feel that i'm different from the rest of my friends...to the extend that... i feel totally OUT... i seldom talk to them anymore.. all busy with school and work... and i'm bloody free... friends around me are superficial.. not true.. i can't speak to anyone heart to heart now.. not like in the past..

i dunno... i somehow wish i could go back to simple life... but i know, i can't.. and i cannot! coz mummy pins all her hope on me... i have to make it happen... mummy health is detoriorating... scary.. not sure what it is... gotta wait for report to be out.. she'll be fine...God's with her...

s.i.m.p.l.i.c.i.t.y

At Dar's house now.. he's packing his room while i'm using the com *keke* just had dinner.. bloated.. his mummy cook so much.. prawns.. meat.. vege.. toufu... etc..and herbal soup! so bitter.. but gotta finish lah..

Bought mooncakes from Peijie.. met her at Boon Keng Mrt station.. chatted for awhile... hm... well, had an enjoyable weekend.. dunno, i kinda feel excited with wat's gonna happen in Oct.. i dunno wat will happen, but i dunno.. i just feel excited.. just felt that it's gonna be an exciting month.. well, it better work out the way i think it would be..

Dar's gonna get car.. Toyota Altis 1.6...black.. it's gonna arrive on christmas day! oh well.. it's a high maintenance toy...

Heard from Fanny that Daddy & Mummy is looking for a new shelter... at first it was admiralty.. then woodlands.. now sembawang.. *keke* nearer and nearer to Dar's home :)

I won a cashflow competition yesterday..at ngee ann poly.. the cash price is $80.. it was $100, but reduced to $80 last min.. dunno why.. well, made a few friends there and i'm realy excited to keep in touch with them! then.. went for lunch with Lorraine at Pizza Hut.. we pigged out... ate like wat 4 people would have ate.. *keke* well, had a nice chat with her... haven't done so for quite some time.. wanted to go cosy bay.. but dun have the chance to leh.. hmmm... hope to go there very soon... so i can visit my waterplace again!

YAWN~ a humid day... just woke up.. by my mom! called me from her work place to ask me to bring in the clothes coz it's raining!

Just finished fixing a 1000 peice jigsaw puzzle for mummy.. precious moment.. which have a caption "i believe in miracles"! i started at 12pm yesterday noon...and aims to complete it by 7pm, before she comes home from work.. Fanny came back from school at about 2pm & help me with it... tada! it was completed at 7m sharp! framed it.. and put it beside my tv.. so when mummy comes home, it's the first thing she'll see! ..as my tv faces the door.. this morning, she told me she liked it! and *faintz* ... told me to fix her another one... well..

That bitch msged me last night and told me to return her HER sausages.. my goodness... i cooked maggi mee yesterday noon, and can't find any eggs to go along with it.. so i searched thru my freezer and found 2 sausages.. so i cut both up, and cooked it... it belongs to her... HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW? she msged "Did you eat my sausages? give it back to me or i'll destroy your things".. i replied "how would i know it's YOUR sausages? please write your BIG name there in future".. her reply was "i want to see them when i come back fom work tomorrow".. i replied "duno wat brand, destroy my things if you want"... she says "okie"... heck~ no point talking to such a childish freak.. and i really mean childish! i msged Ernest and told him.. that she should go suck Samuel's sausage.... *bleah* sometimes i really pity her.. that she's living in her own childish world.. trying to get her friend's attention by changing her favourite colour from yellow to pink.. perhaps she's jealous of me.. of my popularity.. so she's imitating me.. She'll never do it.. go to her church and learns dunno wat.. treat everyone like shit.. she's a piece of shit herself.. work so hard...9am to 5pm everyday, and earns that pathetic sum of money.. dun even know how to contribute to the family.. treats her dad like a pieace of shit too.. in conclusion, she's a PIECE OF SHIT!

Mummy had been very nice..*keke* whenever that bitch strikes, mummy will protect me... of course, i'm her daughter k.... so i made mummy puzzle...and will make her more...

Darling has been talking about engagement.. well, i really dun mind engagement.. thot of many factors.. we are young..and *touchwood*..might not even end up together in future.. i mean, it's unforeseeable.. and it's a lifetime commitment.. Darlin's going NS soon... However, after engagement, it would also mean we have a promise with each other..and then proceed on the buy a house and car... My mom is actually quite ok with the idea.. but worried that i'll be like her...when she's young..make hasty decision... But dar's mom seems to disagree now... well, watever that is.. we shall see when time goes by.. so darling, where's my ring from Tiffany & Co.? *wink*

heard from Fanny that we're moving house soon...to woodlands... this idea have been around for a few months... and we have actually view flats in woodlands... but no action taken yet... dunno it it's gonna be for real this time.. i won't mind a change of environment.. it would mean my own room! and nearer to Darling's house.. so he won't complain when he drives me back home... *bleah*

am i really going china in october? it's still in progress.. actually i dun mind going.. but i'll be "alone".. i'll be there with like all "older" people of like over 40 years old...and i'm only 20.. and dunno who to sleep with at night... hmm... if only darling can come along with me.. and i'm also worried about the airtickets, accomdation...expenses... *sigh* shall discuss about it when time comes... hopefully everything goes well.. i''m not actually lazy, just that i like to take my time to do things, and do not like it when anyone pushes me.. i would say, i can't work under pressure"... so please dun rush me.. i'll take my time...and do watever i have to do.. besides, i'm in control of my life, not anyone else... though in the 20th century, everyone's taking about speed, fastest wins ...etc... to me, the traditional phrase still stands ..."Slow & Steady wins the race!"

Cherrios~

Did it rain this morning? the weather's so cool today.. love this kinda weather...very very sleepy, reached home at about 13oam last night, and woke up at about 830am.. gotta teach piano in the evening..

went thomson to eat prata with darling last night.. he really does know how to eat man! he was craving for prata...so we went.. and after that he wanted to go 7-11 to eat pizza! *faint* we bought 7up and chips.. then brought them to my house void deck to munch.. and chit chat.. very long never chat leh..

talked about his plans to get a car and flat... he's considering to buy a 3-room flat..then rent the whole flat out for about $800...then use the money to pay off his car's installement... Toyota Altis (black).. alternatively, sell off the flat 5 years' later, then buy the car... hmm.. but the only criteria is that, for me to get engaged with his so that we can purchase the flat... oh well, his parents are ok with the idea, but i doubt mine will... dunno, must ask..

i'm only 20.. not ready to get engaged leh.. i dunno.. for others, it might be just engagement... etc.. but for me, it means alot..

oh well....

Jiarui reached home late last night.. and his parents were scolding him.. well, it's the life and phrase most teenagers will go through.. then i thought back, i was once like that too.. so, we shouldn't scold him... but talk to him..(If is actually gets thru)...

Off to play popcap...INSANIQUARIUM!

have another class at 4pm..must get ready...

*keke* Dar and i went to Yishun stadium to run..i mean, he run..not me.. i took his timing for him.. he's going for his NAFFA test this coming thurs, and he's doing his last minute training.. Dar used to be an athelete for his school..and ...ya, but his tyre around his waist is pulling his timing back... it took him about 18mins.. BUT, he'll definately improve k~ i'll keep updating..

was at home the whole day today playing computer game.. INSANIQUARIUM! ahha..addictive~ but, only 60 mins of game play..sigh.. it's a www.popcap.com
well, i'm sure after this 'promo' period, they post it online FREE for everyone to play..i'll wait~

Still at Dar's place.. he got angry with me last night, coz ... well, he said he HATES me.. wah piang... we're alright now.. i know he says that in spur of anger.. but i just can't tolerate vulgarites and hurting words.. no matter how angry i am, i'm very sure the words 'i hate you' will never come outta my mouth.. i keep imagining.. next time IF we ever got married, will he abuse me? *gee*

Watching the apprentice now.. fierce.. the world where the rich plays their money game.. reminds me of.... WaterPlace...

At darling's house now...been here since 1pm...and fixing a 1000 piece puzzle! it's a picture of a tiger..so scary.. so fierce...dunno why dar like it.. it's the first time i ever fixed a puzzle..and i finished it within a day! 10 hours..very long leh.. my shoulders are aching man!

Haven't been bloggng for a long long time...got so many things to update, but not knowing where to start...oh yah! I have a dream house.. Water Place Condominium...wah piangz.. chio loh.. 4 rooms + study.. 1.3million... downpay 20%.. which is about 300K...the rest can be paid of over a monthly installment..of 35 years..budden.. it's about $3.5k a month! *sheesh* Dar actually thought of ROM.. so as to puchase a 3room flat..use the rent to pay off his new car installment!!! oh... he's buying a new car.. Toyota Altis.. i shall call it blackie! very comfy.. but i'll still miss xiao hong... alot alot... coz we started out the relationshpi coz of xiao hong *keke*

Well well.. till then...

It's the start of a new blog! yeah!...haven't been blogging for about a month! well, there's alot to update!... well..it'll take some time for me to tell my long long story... here goes...

Since my previous blog about Shannie being ditched, she saw the blog and flew up...well, heck.. when i got home that night, i saw all my clothes being strewn all over the floor....she took out all my clothes from the cupboard...and wrote a note..threating to cut up all my clothes.. OH MY GOODNESS , how CHILDISH can she get.. no wonder she got dumped.. she locked the bedroom door and i can't get in..please...she's not the only one living in the house, act like she's the queen...ya, queen of pigs! wanted to go over the Darlin's place that night, but mom dun allow... well, to cut the long story short, i moved over to Dar's house the next day...and i stayed there for a week..

How i wish i dun need to go back home...but mummy don't allow... well, Dar and Mummy met on friday night at suntec.. and mummy have a rather good impression of him..oh well.. we shall see how things goes..

Anyway, after this incident..i came to realise alot of things.. i shall talk about it when i blog again... Anyway, i'm quite happy with this new blog..looks so cute..

I'll be back!

Seems like another aimless day again today...not aimless lah..just.. BORED...nothing to do.. got home at about 1pm today...stayed over at Dar's place last night.. He suddenly pounced on me in the middle of the night..mumbled some stuff, then went back to slept..think he had a nightmare! and he drooled all over me last night... and i only noticed it when i opened my eyes this morning when i woke up...so i pretended that he pushed me off the bed, and i laid on the mattress *keke* strange...the moment i got onto the mattress, he seems to notice my absense... so he woke up.. now i know...the best way to wake him up is to disappear... then he'll wake up and look for me *hee* He had 4 nightmares last night...and the part where he pounced on me was his 3rd nightmare... i'm not gonna tell you his nightmares over here...guess he'll tell all about it in his blog tmr...

Anyway, i got home at about 1pm...and i played the computer for about an hour, then went to take a nap.....till about 6pm! woke up when i hear noises coming from the living room.. everyone was eating cheesecake... shannie just got back from Australia a few days ago, and brought back 6kg worth of cheesecake..not forgetting other goodies!

She kinda like just "broke" off with his "bF"... why i put inverted commas is because..they were never together... they got to know each other in poly year one...and now that both of them have graduated, they maintained that good friend relationship..however, i guess shannie habor the idea that they were already BF & GF.. goodness...after 4 years(a few days ago), when Samuel when out with other girls.. and Shannie found out... she scolded him...or rather..NAGGED... which then, Samuel asked her why should she control him when she not even his GF? It was then...that she realised that Samuel has always treat her as a good friend..but Shannie has treated him as his BF!

i dunno, and have no comment over this...but i thought that this matter is like.. very SIMPLE! i mean... NO ONE has ever said or clarified what their relationship was... even when i asked Shannie, who is he to you... she couldn't tell me a firm "Yes, he's my bf".... you see the point? *sigh* one-sided i guess... I'm sure this will not happen to me.. as in, even if i liked a guy, and the guy doesn't reciprocrate his feelings, i will NOT pretend that he's my BF...and will not think that he's my BF... i mean, there must be someone who "proposed" to start a relationship mah... how would any blur blur think that they were together, and only to find out after 4 years, that they were just friends..aiyoh..i dunno what to say.. it ridiculous.. Shannie, is you happen to read this... so sorry...i'm just penning down my honest opinions...and get over him.. you've better taste..and there's definately more out there for you to spend the rest of your life with... so...GET OVER HIM..

Darling is feeling so depressed... i'm really afraid that he might get depression leh..i'm serious.. he DOES NOT want to go for his attachment... At Ubi... he lives in Sembawang... lucky thing he drives..BUT the parking fees there is like $1/hour..so it'll cost him $8/day if he park his car there... he drove me to his work place last friday.. looked around.. decided to park at the HDB flats near by.. and his pathetic pay of $450/month can't even cover the parking fees... not to mention. 9am to 6pm working hour..includes sat...9am to 1pm... He's utterly depressed... guess it's like JAIL to him... for 3 bloody long months.. so if anyone pities him, please help him look for a company... that is looking for part-time attachment students... for 3 months... pays about $450.. work only from monday to friday.. and near sembawang!! the only thing BAD about the attachment now is that..it's too far!! UBI !!.. and sat is a work day! ..not to mention OT!! i'm clueless abt how to help him also...

Everyone around me is liking engaged or married.. so soon! Wonder when will be my turn.. really quite afraid of it.. living with someone for the rest of my life.. the ONLY fear i have is... REGRET..i mean, i'm afraid to chose the wrong person to spend the rest of my life with... then gotta end up divorcing.. and etc.... and not to mention ABUSE! so many cases of husbands having affairs outside, then coming home to abuse their wives... ohmigoodness... Everytime when i thought of this, i wish i were a guy... and i wouldn't ever wanna get married...

Future u.n.k.n.o.w.n

I'm a selfish ass who wants the whole world to listen to my command, and i wanna take control of everything... everyone's life... i take away freedom... i wish to dominate every soul.. Shit..i'm over doing.. He can't take it.. Blame who but myself... I'm wrong to bother so much about his affairs.. In future, i should just leave him alone...and let him do whatever he wants.. whether he wanna wear that pink shirt or put on back that rusty silver ring or theirs, it's none of my business.. Nah, i won't say none of my business...i would say...even if he wears THAT pink shirt or put on back that ring, i am supposed to 'trust' him.. ya, i hope i really can..

He's feeling a TOTAL LOST OF FREEDOM... and i'm ruling his life.. WoNdErFoOL.. i'm controlling it..it's all in my hands.. Fine, i'll let go.. Let LooSe.. Fly away~

Damn me.. i ate lunch at Chantalle's house, and i pretended that i was hungry and had not eaten anything so as to find an excuse to go NYP to eat with him.. to see him... Right after Chantalle's lesson at 1130am, i could just go home and play Digby's Doughnut... instead, i took a cab down to J8, wanting to get a formal shirt for him.. so i could pass it to him when i meet him later at NYP... turned down WildWildWet appointment with Gilbert just to lunch with him.. called me at 12pm and told me to be down at NYP right away coz he's hungry.. God, if only i could be at 2 places at a time.. Think i know teleporting power? Sui chuan sui dao? Anyway.. i never got that pink shirt in the end, afraid i'll get the wrong size.. ShiT, why am i worrying so much? worrying about him not having enough formal shirts to wear... why am i caring so much about him? bought him a wallet, watch, shirts, lighter, ring etc..... i mean, not that i'm calculative or watsoever shit... but would anybody in the right mind spend so much on somebody? what i'm trying to get across here is that i dun just buy wallets and watches for Tom, Dick & Harry..i only do such stuff for my Toh Jiayi....

Ya...and all those h.i.s.t.o.r.y about Hanxin, Weiting & Regina... i'm a very str-8 forward person...just tell me what you HATE about me.. i'll give you a total new self in a minute.. I haven't thrown away my stuff from h.i.s.t.o.r.y... so, you don't need to... oh ya, i'm not in the right position and i'm not FIT to COMMAND you to do so when i MYSELF have NOT done so..

I've just shedded some skin... it's gone... and my heart's broken... never felt such a sharp pain before... i'm a totally new self now...

It's a beautiful day! Not aimless anymore.. Talked out many plans with Dar... i feel revived~

Taizi's 8 years old today..and he's about 50grams... acceptable weight *keke* Last night i had a meeting, couldn't attend to Taizi.. then when my meeting ended, he already fell asleep...with a pile of shit beside him.. so sad... he slept with a pile of shit.. so i off the lights for him..when i woke up this morning, there's 2 piles of shit...and he's so hungry.. well, he's fine now :)

These few days, Dar has been talking alot about future...and even about marriage and kids.. aiyoh, scary leh.. He likes boy... i prefer a girl.. oh well, too soon to talk about all these...

Had a very good sleep last night.. duno why...slept at about 330am..woke up at about 11am.. slept for about 8 hours.. hm... stayed over at Dar's house over the weekend...he keeps pushing me off the bed...and snatching blanket from me *argh* He likes to cuddle up to me when sleeping, then slowly pushing me to one side of the bed, and then i'll hang at the edge...

I stole a pink shirt from Dar's cupboard... it's 'their' shirt.. She owns one, and he owns one...and now it's mine...HoHoHoHoHoHoHoHoHo~ so evil... donche care...

I'm going WildWildWet tmr..with gilbert and some of his friends...haven't been there before..thot i'll just go and check it out..and get a good tan.. Had a competition last month, and the ugly swim suit tan is on my body..eeEECks...tmr i'll go get a good bikini tan.. WeEeEe~

Dar went CMPB for medical checkup today..think he's going into commando..sigh..

Going out soon.. to Bishan.. to buy some music books...and get some stuff for Dar..

Another aimless day... wonder how long it'll last.. hopefully not too long~

Taizi's 4 years old today..but only 26 grams.. lighter than yesterday..dunno what happened leh.. issit the acceptable weight? hmm... isn't he suppose to put on 10 grams a day? then, he should be 40 grams today... i'll make him eat more later..

Chat with Belinda over the phone today.. nice girl.. only saw her once.. funny thing is that we clique rather well.. cool~

I'm like a lost sheep now...i need a shepherd to guide me..Darlin's as lost as me..i know he's feeling pressurise.. by school, work & biz..and worst of all, ArMy... EeeCkS! i dunno how to help him.. i feel so useless.. sometimes i wonder if i'm the cause of all these happenings.. yesterday when Dar say he wanna beat "xiao ren", i wonder if it's me.. hmm...

Been to a few condomuniums... some look really grand.. then my mind starts to wander.. i wanna be an owner of the pent house.. wonder how long will then my dream be fulfilled...

TODAY IS GONNA BE A BEUTIFUL DAY!

just reached home...went for a stroll at Bishan Park with Darling..talking about the next 5 months ahead, before he goes into army.. He's confused, he's blur, he's fearful, he's anxious.. MIXED feelings...it's killing him...and it's killing me... Dar says wat we need now is L.U.C.K... funny thing is that, i never believed in luck..and now i'm actually pinning everything on L.U.C.K... *funny*

Had a little chat with Gray online..haven't met him for more than a year... well, he's asking me for some advices with a girls he likes.. but already have a boyfriend... hm... not that i encourage 'triangle' love stories.. but i just told him to H.E.C.K....if he really likes the girl....so H.E.C.K even if she already has a boyfriend.. Met Herman on the MRT on the way to dar's house.. he called me, i couldn't recognise him.. he's always so cheerful.. last time when i was still with Sentosa, he's the only one that does not sit on the tower, but instead, he walks around the beach.. ya lah, doing ABIT of patrolling...at the same time..talking to small kids... foreigners... playing with pets...etc... he just can't sit still..and he loves BIKES!... bicycle i mean... motorbikes, i dunno.... he's really good with bicycles...entered lotsa competition...can do stunts etc.. had a good time talking to him, though it's only a short while from YCK to Sembawang...

Taizi's gonna be 4 years old soon..when he wakes up..he's 2 grams underweight... i thought i might overfeed him. Well, shall give him more snacks tmr :) suddenly thought of this...that Dar really loves me.. he actually spent all he have to buy me the thing i like.. so touched, everytime i thought of this.. just now hug Dar, my tears almost rolled down... when i told him that he can't leave me.. not that i'm feeling insecure or wat, just that i can't imagine what it would be like without him.. and that..he's going army soon.. this makes me even more fearful.. aimless.. lost.. scared.. when he's not with me.. no one to take care of me... no one to force me to eat my meals regularly.. no one to scold me..

A.L.O.N.E

I slept at about 4am and i woke up at about 730am... not that i have to wake up, just that i just wake up naturally! Guess it's because of my TAMAGOTCHI! *keke* Darling bought me my tamagotchi!, and it's pink! Yesteday when i met Dar, he passed me a box, saying that it was for me...haha~ er, his wraping wasn't that fantastic *oOpS* neverthless, this rectangular-boxed thingy was arousing my curiousity.. wondering what was inside...haha... Dar told me he wrapped it last night and was fragile, and that i will love it alot.. at first i thought it was tamagotchi, but then..how could a tamagotchi be big, squarish and bulky? hmm... so i tore of the wrapper while Dar went to get me lunch... he wrapped it usingi dunno how many pieces of paper... more than 10? there were so many layers!... then at each layer, when i tore it off, there were words on it... so sweet hor? *hee* then finally when i reach the mystery item, it was an ice-cream box with "I love you" written on it... never did i guessed that my pink tamagotchi was inside! dunno how to describe man..so happy..haha~

Now, i'll tell you about my tamagotchi..i named it "Taizi", a chinese word for "Prince"... Told Dar that if it's a male, we'll call it taizi...if it's a female, we'll call it baby...and it's a male... *bleah* Taizi is 2 years old today, and weighs about 13grams.. it's age increases by 1 each day...mean one day = one year old...wah!!! Taizi eats and shit alot.. think it's still young mah..needs alot of food.. and it's not very disciplined yet.. gotta scold it at times... fell sick once, coz i think i overfed it...haha~ to anxious to wanna see it grow! Then i went chantalle's house to teach piano just now..and she has the same pink tamagotchi as me! just that..her's is a female..named "Cutty"... so Taizi and Cutty made friends via infrarad...and now, they are good friends.. there are actually 6stages in the relationship..first, it's buddy...then friend...good friend..best friend..partner..lover! when it reaches lover, there'll be tamababies! Cutty and Taizi were playing games with each other, then exchanging gifts... Taizi gave Cutty 3 flowers, and Cutty gave Taizi 2 pieces of cakes *keke* But i guess, i won't wanna have tamababies with Cutty, coz i'm waiting for Dar to buy one...then I'll have tamababies with Dar! haha~ but he like dunno how to take care leh..dunno if it's a wise idea if he gets a tamagotchi...hmm... ok...enough of this...

and yesterday i was at Dar's house playing Monopoly...Oh gee.. think we're like...haha..mad...played 3 rounds...with his brother...till 1am...while watching tv..haha... so happy, coz... i have Taizi!!! YiPeEee~

's a rainy night tonight..so cold..darling not beside me tonight.. spent 3 days, 2 nights over at his place.. it's been quite long since i've stayed over..actually not long lah.. about 2 weeks? *keke*

It's been a w.e.i.r.d weekend.. dunno how to describe.. so many things happened... Dar's grandma not feeling very well.. and i'm down with severe flu.. something's wrong with me... had toothache a few weeks ago, then better le...then down with food poisoning, den gastric...then now flu! *faintz* wonder wat's next.. this time, the flu was like..since wed night..after a karaoke session.. and i'm down with this stupid flu for 4 days.. feel feverish.. sorethroat.. cough..flu.. wah, can die man.. and ya, exactly wat i said..i hibernated for 4 days.. stayed at home on thurs and fri.... and sat and sun, stayed at dar's place.. and he's also down with flu!!! not passed to him by me..it's his brother... also down with flu and fever.... okie... enough of sickly stuff....

wEEeeE~ went to see firewoks today! fantastic man! haven't seen them for ages..and i finally get to see them today! Went with a few friends, and of course with dar... ya, and my friend Jimmy came along.. it's been an interesting evening...talking to him.. i learnt alot from him..really.. he's from China..and we were chit chatting about so many things.. i believe i've known him better this evening.. Back to the 'woks'... so many variations.. and designs.. i saw hearts..smiley face..hibicus..and my friend claimed that she saw orchird! Hmmm... wah...and i especially liked the 'green shower'... it goes "BOOM!", then suddenly, it seems like a few thousand green stars are falling on me.. it's seem damn bloody near loh! Jean and I screeching away...haha~

And again...went beach road to eat dinner.. wah piang...can faint man! we are like some monsters that had been starved for years man.. haha.. i ate kway chap with Belinda and Dar...it's damn nice and cheap loH! then the table behind me ordered chilli sotong, la-la, fish... and the table infront ordered claypot rice...then the table nearby ordered stingray, mee goreng, and fruits! wah.. all of us were charging from table to table, with all our weapons..i mean, utensils.... tasting all the food we ordered... it's scary.. i mean, at the way we eat.. ahhaa~ it's always so fun to eat with them.. i LOVE it... if only there were durians...then it would be perfect!!!

and... I WANT A TAMAGOTCHI!! A PINK ONE! though it only costs $29.90, i dun really wish to buy it myself.. it would be rather meaningful if someone bought it for me.. i saw one at 7-eleven.. a PINK one.. gee... i really want it....so ... anyone who's reading this and wish to get one for me, please lemme know..leave a msg at my chatbox... wei, i'm not joking k!

bbBRrrRrrrrR~ I'm CoLD.........

I'm devastated.. i give up.. i dunno what's wrong with me.. was chatting with mummy just now, and she told me that about the problems she faced at work.. and that both our str-8 forward character pissed people off.. HeCk~

He just doesn't know how much i cared about him...doesn't know how much i loved him.. or perhaps, he knows.. he doesn't believe.. I'm using past tense here.. coz it's all history.. he's always saying that i never thought of his feelings.. oh well, I'm dumb.. stupid.. idiot.. slut.. bitch.. I spent the whole day doing something for him.. never done anything like that before.. efforts' gone to waste now.. i'll just throw it away..

He needs someone better... he can look for her.. perhaps if they were together, all these wouldn't happened.. she's perhaps more sensitive to his feelings? able to take care of him.. i'm really tired this time.. exhausted.. i dun have strength to carry on anymore.. i give up.. this time, i'll go away..

I'm gonna h.i.b.e.r.n.a.t.e..

*bUrRrP* at Darling's house now...just came back not too long ago from Geylang... Dar's family brought us to Geylang to have durians! wah....eat till stomach almost burst man! 24th July was Dar's younger bro's birthday... Jiarui.. he's 15 this year.. very matured guy though :) Anyway, Dar and I got him an Adidas watch.. was wondering wat's with the birthdays this year...always give watch *keke* Well, he seems to like it alot (He better do!) He recieved lotsa pressies from his friends as well..mostly from girls...billabong wallet! Very cool wallet given by a girl...must be like him lah...

Dar's bathing now.. took a long time for him to get to the bathroom to take a shower...he doesn't like to bathe at night leh..weird... too bad, i'm staying over.. he has to bathe, if not he's not allowed to sleep beside me *bleah*

Stomach's abit painful now leh.. eat too full le...and abit sleepy.... zZZzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZzz

Dear God it's me again,
Alone and so afraid
I know it's late
But there are many questions with no answers

People say You've gone
Left me on my own
In a world that's broken and so full of sins & sadness
I used to think You'd always be here
I used to say You'd come for us some day
But it's been so long since You've been gone
There's NOTHING I can hold on

Are you there Lord, do You care
Can You answer my prayer
Abba Father can You hear me
Tell me how to believe
'Coz why does it seem
That it's just an empty dream
And I need to know if You're still here...
For me

I look ahead and see
A future that's so grim
Like a road that just goes on and doesn't have an ending
People everywhere
Are cynical and scared
Not knowing what to do
And who to trust in this confusion
I'm only looking for a sign
I'm only searching for an answer
But it's been so long since You've been gone
There's NOTHING I can hold on

Lord are You just an illusion
Sometimes I'm lost in this confusion

I really need you Lord
I really need you Father
Hear my cry... see my pain
Hear my prayer... once again
I really need You now...

I REALLY NEED YOU NOW!

oooOOH! this is interesting! Blogger has change its interface? *keke* can change font, font size, colour..can even add pic! *keke* that's interesting!

It's a rainy day again today, just finished a pack of maggi mee..i've stock up 10 packets of maggi mee..for my lunche everyday.. no other particular reasons, just that i'm lazy to get outta the house to buy lunch, and the only thing i can cook in maggi mee! Been down with what i intially thought was "food-poisoning", turned out to be gastric flu! *argh* vomit watever that goes into my stomach.. i've been either eating too much, or not eat at all..this irregular eating diet has been with me for years.. i must really do something about it...

GOLD! my girl's team won gold again this year! yeah... this is my 3rd gold medal.. and i dunno, just felt that it's like different from the past.. coz i did it with my favourite girls' team! Stef, Lynn & Charmain! *keke* The guys however, did not win anything..but they definately did much much better than before! with the new commitee~

Yesterday afternoon, he msn me.. he's nickname was "damn pissed and disappointed"...not sure if it was directed at me..coz shortly after i was online, he msged me "someone got bf liao hor? sitll pretend" ...i mean, i wasn't even pretending in the first place..hello?! i did not tell him i have a bf, that doesn't mean i dun have one right? Besides, he didn't even asked.. watever.. it's all over anyway..

It's a rainy day..again~ well, reached home at about 330am this morning, fell asleep at about 4am.. *yawn*, can't imagine i wake up so early today...1045am.. only slept for 6 hours plus, think i'll go take a nap agian later.. Darling never sleep, he says he can't sleep... and he had diarrhoea *oops*

Last evening, we went JB to celebrate his birthday... go there and eat....and eat...and eat... *keke* Dar didn't drive in, coz he say the cars there very fierce..so we took a bus in.. It's very near actually, Dar lives in Sembawang.. then a few stops only..less than an hour! I feel so secure with him in a 'foreign' country.. he's like, a walking map.. knowing where to go... and introducing the building, the culture, the ..everything... learnt alot from Dar :)

Actually wanted to bring Dar to Ponderosa or Steamboat... then i wanted to ask the waiter to put the watch i bought on a plate, and cover it with a cover...ask the waiter to deliver it to him...keke.. but anyhow, i gave Dar the watch at his house..on the sofa.. before midnight.. if not, the birthday over le... Hope he likes it.. Then...we went orchird country club to play pool.. till 3am.. haha~ very eggiciting.. 2nd time playing with Dar..

And... i didn't go for training again today! aiyah.. important event mah.. Sunday's the competition and we never train! *shit* Think gotta meet up with the team this Sat to train already..If not, our record will be broken by other teams! and i want my gold medal again this year!

Nuradee Bros Pte Ltd called me, ask me to teach piano for them..it's a newly estalished music school that does vocal courses, guitar, singing, piano, album production, etc... this music school is actually runned by few Malays..and they are actually award winning team...having albums in Singapore, and other countries...won countless awards...and they do songs for Suria Channel! *keke* they're artistes...well, i dunno..coz i'm not at all in touch with the malay music industry...but they do sound very popular...haha.. well, dunno if i wanna teach there leh.. hmm.. will consider with my Dar..

I'm beginning to feel..everything's getting on track.. i'm on my way to my dreams! P.E.R.S.E.R.V.E.R.E~

It's Darling's birthday today! It's weird..ya, but i'm at his house now..came to his house in the morning to give him a surprise (though he doesn't seemed surprised at all) *gee* Wanted to stay over last night, but i can't..Mum's nagging at me already..*sobz* so poor Dar had to spend the cold cold night alone.. i will try to make it up to him..i'll try..

Duno wat's on his mind last night, he doesn't wanna spell it out..it's killing me.. i'm curious.. perhaps, he was upset that i wasn't there to spend the night with him..like how SHE used to do it.. I know when Dar is sad.. or whenever i make him unhappy, he will think of her.. He's still reading her blog, wanting to know more of her.. usually i can't tolerate this kinda thing..but this time.. i just tell myself, since i can't make him happy. let him do wat he wants..be it talk to her, msg her, read her blog, go out with her.....................................Let him be...

Never felt so useless in my life.. that my own bf still think of other girls when in a relationship with me.. i mean, *sigh* nobody will understand how a girl feels... how i feel....

I'm putting on a mask..i'm not real..i'm artificial..i'm f.a.k.e

I feel so exhausted..i dunno why.. the weather's so cold today.. can't feel the warmth of the sun.. i'm gloomy.. i'm down.. K.O

The weather looks gloomy today.. dampens my mood a little.. Fanny had her practical exam today, and she came outta the exam room crying.. She's took stressed up.. Mummy stressed her too much..actually, she really tried her best, i heard her practising the piano early in the morning.. Well, she's grade 5 this year..i mean, for a 12 year old girl, it's really very good already..she'll be taking grade 8 in Sec3, that's a very out-standing result!

I can totally understand how she feels.. My mummy used to stress me alot when i was young.. took up so many classes; ballet, art, abacus, swimming, piano, drums etc...too many.. ultimately, i only stick to piano and swimming.. Thank God, i've completed my grade 8 two years back.. she nags at me everyday just to practise the piano, and when i failed my grade 6 and 7, my ears never had peace at all.. Mummy's just trying to push us to our limits, to perform our best..but mummy never know that all me and fanny wanted was just kind words of encouragement..that's all..

Well, if Fanny really fails her grade 5, guess i'll teach her instead..

Went to Lynn's 21st bday on Sat.. Dar supposed to go with me, but i just couldn't wake him up *argh* Anyhow, i got to watch my Harry Porter.. then stayed over at Dar's place..

I'm going for lifeguard training tonight! weeEeE~ get to swim again, after so long.. and most importantly, getting to meet all my friends again!

It's just another day.. i'm going cycling at east coast in 6 hour's time.. time to get moving man..i'm lazy! super Lazy... gee~ how? any remedies?

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must DO!" -Goethe

I know wat i'm supposd to do... i am willing to do..just that my body parts just doesn't seem to coordinate the way i want it to be..

It's Lynn's 21st tmr.. it's gonna be a fun-filled day tmr..with so many activities... cycling in the morning..till afternoon..then go home, wash up...go party! then.. go watch Harry Porter with Dar..midnight show i guess..then stay over at his place..

Still thinking whether to stay over though.. i dunno..suppose to let him be.. for the month of July, for him to concentrate on what he's supposed to do.. so hesitant *shit* wanna leave him alone, yet half of my being longs to be with him.. It somehow feels like a norm, to stay over at his house on weekends.. in fact, i'm not used to my own bed anymore..haha~

Jean has been really very sweet..and i really love her... She's like my 'Rich mom'..haha~ nice analogy..

Dar's bday in 11 day's time...dunno wat to get for him...neh neh.. i'm cracking my head..

I'm gonna meet alot of pple at Lynn's party tmr.. gee.. GIlbert, Jesslin, Shao Mei, Sheryl..and goodness knows who else! and next week's Jason's 21st..wah! even more pple to meet up.. those whom i haven't spoken with for months! michael, kevin, Stef, Charmain, Jason, Wen Han, Alvin..and so many more..

I'm going back for lifeguard traning the whole of next week..and the week after...coz competition's in 2 week's time! Haven't been in water for months!

I'm looking forward to meeting up with everyone again!...and my wisdom tooth! should i go for the surgery? i hate needles....

Sometimes i see a dream ahead
A dream I cannot hold
I dream of watching birds go by
Of flowers in the sky
But all that i can ever see
Are pictures in my mind
Surrounded by the misery
I wish that i could live behind

Somewhere inside my lonely heart
I see those pictures there
Of fields and forests, hills and vales
Where i can just run free
I'm waiting, watching, hoping
Looking for a sign
But all the I can see ahead
Are only pictures in my mind

Some day, somehow i hope we'll find
A place to call our own
Where we can watch the clouds roll by
In rainbow-coloured skies
I have a dream, a secret dream
Of a place that's ours alone
A land where we can wander free
A home a place for you and me

Just hold on to the dreams inside you
Trust in what the Lord can do
And some day soon you'll find
Those pictures in your mind
Will finally come true for you

Went Suntec to walk walk yesterday..interesting day..hmm... went Sembawang Dental to loan my tooth's X-ray from them..then went to redeem the Eng Wah points for 2 tickets...gonna watch Harry Porter on Saturday! Yipee! after so LoOoOoooOnG~

So irritating...Went back to Dar's place..and he left me there...he slept on the sofa from 8pm to 10pm..Bish.. fed him with logans that mummy bought, and he can chew with his eyes closed..piggy~ then i just sit there play computer and watch tv *hmph*

Today dar's mummy so funny..keep nagging and beating Dar.. asking him to treasure me *keke* it's hilarious..i mean.. i dunno how to explain.. then she called me..telling me to 'report' to her if Dar ever bullies me..wahhaha~ Dar's mummy really very nice.. very 'xian qi liang mu'..

And i'm supposed to annouce here that Dar' has ultra sensitive nipples *bleah*

*oOPs* anyway, i managed at last to post photo onto the blog.. i'm really bad at IT stuff man.. it's so cheem..it's alienated language makes me goggy..

Tried on my blades..and i 4got how to blade totally! *shit*

Yuling's asking me out to Zouk on thurs.. but my tooth cannot make it leh..later i go zouk with swollen face..like bear lydat..eecks.. i'll try though..

LOVE IS PATIENT & KIND:

IT IS NOT JEALOUS
OR CONCEITED
OR PROUD;

LOVE IS NOT ILL-MANNERED
OR SELFISH
OR IRRITABLE;

LOVE DOES NOT KEEP A RECORD OF WRONGS;

LOVE IS NOT HAPPY WITH THE EVIL BUT IS HAPPY WITH THE TRUTH.

LOVE NEVER GIVES UP;

AND ITS FAITH, HOPE & PATIENCE NEVER FAIL

1 CORINTIANS 13:4-7

LOVE NEVER FAILS....if it fails, it's not LOVE~
Love should be unconditional... God's Love is unconditional love, Mummy's Love is unconditional love.........

I'm feeling numb... Numb means...

1. Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed: toes numb with cold; too numb with fear to cry out.

2. Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent: numb to yet another appeal.

I'm dazed, detached, frozen, immobilized, paralyzed, senseless, stupefied, unconscious, unfeeling, uninterested, desensitize, stunned, crippled, disabled, softened, undermined, unstrengthened, water down, weakened, addled, amazed, astonished, astounded, bewildered, blinded, blured, confounded, dazzled, disordered, distracted, dizzy, dumbfounded, mixed up, muddled, mystified, overwhelmed, perplexed, petrified, puzzled, shocked, staggered, startled, surprised, apathetic, asleep, dormant, down, dull, idle, impotent, inactive, inanimate, indolent, listless, motionless, on ice, passive, powerless, quiescent, quiet, slack, sleepy, slothful, sluggard, sluggish, slumberous, static, still, stolid, torpid, unmoving, unreactive, unresponsive.....

-DEAD-

It's another brand new day..today seems special.. i feel the kinda thrill.. can't describe it.. oh well..

Supposed to teach piano today at 10am, but i overslept..nehneh, woke up at 935am..too late.. called up Mrs Yu and told her that my tooth is aching and i can't speak properly.. HEY! not lying leh..my tooth's really hurting and i can't speak properly..but can be understood lah..

and i'm supposed to go polyclinic to get referral letter today..i'm lazy.. i promise to get it tmr.. going to teach mikki piano tmr, 9am at florida..after tat then i'll make a trip down to hougang polyclinic..it's just near by..save up on transport...

I really gotta quit my habit of taking cabs.. i'm trying, but i can't leh.. everytime when i walk down my block.. walking to the bus stop, then i'll just stop by the road and my hand is uncontrollably flagging for cab *keke* wat to do?..been taking cab for years.. perhaps i should drive..but i failed my driving lahdey.. *bleah* Can consider my volkswagen pink beetle after i passed...weeEee~

Found that my wallet was 'ransacked' this morning when i woke up..it wasn't at it's usual place.. at it's usual neat position..my wallet's very neat by the way..but it's bulky.. suspected that my mom's trying to check how much's left in my wallet.. she's always worrying about me.. outta the 5 children she have, i guess i'm the one whom she's most worried and concern about..sigh.. i tried assuring her that i'm big enough to think for my own.. i guess i'm still a little apple in her eyes.. hmm..

At home the whole day today..except for dinner time...darling brought me out for dinner... It's good staying home..feeling the warmth of family once again...haven't been home for ages..has a good time talking to everyone in my family... watch tv from 7pm all the way till 10pm..haha..nice feeling..really..

And the weather's like super hot!!! can't stand it... feeling like walking around naked..argh.. and my tooth is aching like hell...but much better than previous nights.. my wisdom tooth is growing at the left lower jaw...right behind..and my jaw is too small for a new tooth...so.. sigh..it has to leave its home.. gotta go Hougang Polyclinic to get referal to Alexandra hospital for the surgery *sobz* my greatest phobia...injections!!! but no choice lah...once and for all.. not really very painful leh..can anyone understand my pain? was crying away the past few nights..waking up in the middle of the nights in tears.. but luckily i was at darling's house.. at least i get some comfort..haha~ then dar's mummy come in and peep at my swollen face when i was sleeping...then paste dunno wat yoko yoko white square plaster on my face.. looks stupid, but it really workds! haha.. then... today..i receive a call from dar's mummy, asking me about my tooth..haha.. it's comforting to know that she cares.. about my tooth..it's so intersting.. at least she understands..about my pain *sobz*

was playing the piano today..haven't touched it for so long.. i mean, i'm a piano teacher and i haven't touched the piano for months.. so ridiculous...wonder if i'll ever forget how to play..haha.. learning it for like ...er.. 15 years... who knows..hmm.. i play the piano for extremly long hours when i'm feeling down..or feeling happy...the 2 extremes...i can sit there for 1 hour++.... usually pop songs ...but dunno why today play classical pieces leh..haha..mozart...

and i'm suppose to go for lifeguard meeting today..haha..i'm alreay outta Ngee Ann Poly.. but.. wat to do? competition's on 18th July..and the girls in LG can't even form a team of 4! gotta go back...with LYNN! haha.. we better get gold again this year..and our record better remain! But i'm lazy to go back for training leh..dunno still can swim or not...scully a layer of oil floats up..OopS! say..if we win in the NUS competition, then maybe i consider going for the Nationals..haha.. i scared my record later break by someone else leh..haha..so, must go back and set a better record *blush*

Daddy just gave me the new Aranda Country Club new membership card..haha..it looks 10 times better than the old one...haha~ but i seldom use it also...

Tooth's aching...

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time to for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

It's friday...and i woke up having a tooth ache! my wisdom tooth is growing.. hurts like anything *sobz*

Darling woke up later again today..supposed to be in school by 830am, he woke up at 130pm..hahha~ always like that.. *sigh* i somehow feel that i'm the most "feeling-less" person to him.. though i'm rather expressive, but i somehow find it quite difficult to show care, love, and concern to the people who are the closest and dearest to me... in fact, i would be rather harsh on them.. is that considered love too? just in a different manner? perhaps to the people who are closer to me, i have higher expectation of them...hmmm.....

Went to Ivy Lee's house to teach Mikki piano yesterday, and she showed me some photos of their holidays, birthday parties...etc...wah, actress's life's really glamorous man...their daughter especially, live in limelight as well... i guess they are earning like dunno how many thousands a month..Good life man!..

haha~ Dar met with this stupid stranger.. that's bugging him 24hours around the clock.. *sigh* dunno whether to be happy for him, so sad for him..this guy's gonna bring alot more trouble in future man...well....

OH! and my dream phone..Nokia 7610... MUST get it in July..i dun care!

Waiting for Darling to bring me out for dinner.. think he'll reach here in 15mins' time..he drives so fast! *keke* Oh..did i mention that the Piano theory exams results were out? i sent 3 students for the theory exam, and all got distinction! yeah! their marks were 92, 95 and 96 respectively... i really felt so happy..a sense of achievement man! WeEee~

School's gonna reopen next week...and the best thing is that..i dun have to go back! haha~ graduate already mah... lalalla~ But i'm suppose to go back for lifeguard trainings on Mon and Wed evenings leh...coz competition is on..18th of July..sunday (if i'm not wrong)...at NUS... hmm... haven't swam for ages..not sure if i still can move across the water...hahaa~

Graduation ceremony in August..should i attend? quite silly leh...dress formal..then wait in the convention hall...then wait for long hours to pass by..then finally, my turn to go up stage to get my cert...then come down..that's it..ahha~ quite silly hor? see how lah..consider...

Die..darling's bday on 14th July..dunno wat to get for him leh..he got me Issey Miyake perfume..nice bottle with shades of blue and green...citric smell..keke...love it! Darling like need alot of things leh..sigh..he ah, the shoes spoiling...then he say cannot buy shoes.. aiyoh..he like dunno how to buy things for himself leh...nah, still got 2 weeks...shall see about it...

miss my mummy..haven't seen her for so long..i mean, when i'm home, she's asleep. When she's awake, i'm asleep...when she's home, i'm out. When she's out, i'm home... woke up this morning, mummy made breakfast for me..so touched.. i dunno, mixed feelings.. haven't felt like this for very long.. mummy loves me, and i love her too :)

Going hiking tmr..at bukit timah hill..haha~ sounds silly ya? going hikinh on a slope..oOPs...i mean, hill...ya.. ain't that bad lah, i'll be going with a bunch of fellas..it's gonna be enjoyable! weee~ shall update when i'm i'm back!

Darling says he's stressed in school... told me not to disturb him. He's also stressed when he's at home, told me not to disturb him.. hmm... he's honestly, straigh-forwardly told me that i'm too 'sticky' towards him..wah~ i was like...*speechless* it's the first time someone ever told me that...i mean, i didn't know i was that "sticky"..haha.. well, i can unstick myself... so, i just say that when he's stressed, put me aside...when he's free, then pick me up...

ain't feeling that good these days.. feeling so down... who understands? ...

wah...haven't blogged in here for so long! yeah! finally an official gradute from Ngee Ann Poly! Wee~ and i'm like so free now...trying to meet up whoever i haven't met in ages, and whoever wants to meet up with me...life hasn't been exactly smooth...everything seems to go wrong.. work, relationship, family, friends etc... starting to feel that my life is going down the drain.. never felt so helpless and useless before.. Goodness, wat has become of me.. Nah, nothing dramatic happened, just that it's not wat the way i expect things to turn out to be.

Darling's bday's in a months' time..dunno wat to get for him leh..shall crack my head for it..

BTW, i'm on a cabohydrate diet! means...i can't have rice, noodles, bread etc... for 2 months.. *keke* kinda exciting though...to see wat's gonna be the results in 2 months' time! haha~

It's a rainy night.. so cold..Mum's nagging at me again.. Just got back from Darling's house.. think i gotta stop staying over at his place already.. Mummy's not very happy already, been staying over at Dar's place almost every weekend..

Had a sumptous dinner with Dar's family..ate Chilli crab! WeEee~ wanted to 'ta bao' the gravy home, but Dar's mom say dun want..say if wanna eat, she'll cook for me! haha.. She's really a very good cook! Always have nice food around for me...and no wonder Dar's getting rounder and rounder..

Both my calves are hurting like shit..i duno why.. didn't exercise or anything leh, wonder why my muscles are hurting like shit! Haven't been sleeping well these days.. gonna wake till i wake up naturally tmr! *keke*

I make many new friends today.. and especialy Darren left the deepest impression on me.. he's so like me..i feel... He looks a little notorious, but he's actually quite shy *keke* Exchanged a few sms.. he said "Okay... I shall not disturb u anymore... May all e stars shine through ur nite... With all e angels protecting u by side... Heavenly Father pls bless her through her slp... And giv her e sweetest dream tonite..." SO sweet right? i mean.. seldom find someone who will send this kinda msg nowadays..keke.. Dar, dun be jealous k?! He knows i have a boyfriend...

Went to Jason's bday party last night..he's like so RED...drank too much le... Stef did put on weight..GeE~ when i got there, Alvin's gone home...so sad..haven't seen him in ages!

And competition's this sunday! haven't practised as a team yet man..dead..dun think i can make it this time...damn...

Nobody knows me better than myself.. I know 'Me' best..

Seems like everyone's at crossroads now.. after graduation... Hmm.. now for me though.. i have my future all planned out *oOpS* no offence

I went to Germin's house on Monday...she was supposed to cook for me..But...haha~ reached her house at about 6pm...and we just stick our butts on the sofa til abt 9pm..chat about many things..well, basically she was just digging out my "sluttiest" moments (as usual). It feels good...to meet up with a good old friend...just to chat...and i mean, just chat.. i feel so comfortable with her leh..dunno why.. she's the only friend that even if we haven't met in ages, the 'closeness' seems to be there..haha~ that's how i feel lah, not sure about her though *er hem* CHatted about many things...friends, church, boyfriends, family, school, work etc...

Friends around us have changed...that includes us of course.. Like those who were once my really close friends... we haven't like utter a word to each other for more than 6 months? it doesn't feel good leh..i dun like this feeling.. have i changed? or waT?? or was is that now that we've grown up, our views on things have changed, no longer agreeing with each other... lost that 'common interest' that bond us together?

Sharon's getting married on 29th May.. would really love to attend her wedding..but..hmm.. i guess it'll be weird leh.. But germ's going to the wedding with me, so it won't be that bad.. wait till the day gets nearer then i'll decide..

And my birthday's coming!!...and i'm a week older than GerM (28th May)! *keke* i'm not exactly excited about it.. well, for the past few years, my close frends would celebrate it for me..we make it a point to celebrate for each other.. But, it won't be the same now.. i dunno..i remember... for the past 2 years, my family did not celebrate with me too...thought i really wanted them too... they were too busy..for me.. to bother about my little special occasion...to them, there are other more important things for them to handle.. No one knows...i've cried myself to sleep those nights.. i still get presents from friends lah...and greetings..but that's not close to my heart at all.. In fact, i'm quite afraid when my birthday comes..coz i really dun wan to go about expecting some surprises, when there's not gonna be one...i'll really be disappointed...but, when i dun expect anything and surprises come, i dun like it..it frightens me..haha~ weird... It's just a birthday anyway...

20-years-old-to-be...

Just came back from '3 days, 2 nights' camping at dar's house *haha* i had a nightmare last night, and i woke up crying...Dar was so shocked! haha~ dreamt that his mummy, daddy, younger bro, him and i went out for breakfast on a sunday morning...and dunno what happened, i got angry with him with some inney weeny stuff, and i went home...but he never came after me...no phone calls, no msg...nothing! well, decided to give in...called him, but he never pick up my calls...Finally after very long, he picked up...and he says he's driving...his mom, dad, and bro behind...then i asked who's infront...he plainly says it's HER! My goodness..i cried like anything...so angry..just a few hours, and he went back together with his ex! All those promises that he gave, all those sweet honey words that came outta his mouth were all shit! i even went to his house to confront him...and he says it's not convenient to let me in, coz SHE's in the room...and he actually told me that he's only after my body..SHIT man...*argh* This DREAM, althought it's just a DREAM... it's super realistic man...

I opened my eyes, and saw Dar beside me...my first reaction is to move away from him...keep a distance away from him....and i woke him up..*keke*...and i cried like a baby~ so ugly...haha~ OH! damn...i also dream that SHE threw all the stuff i bought for Dar away...and all my things that are left at his house! hmPH!

I dunno...having mixed feelings now..i really dunno if we can be together for as long as we want...i mean...the future is unseeable.. no one can promise anything.. for no one knows tomorrow.. maybe because i've been into a few relationships in the pasts, and ...well, do i call it 'phobia'? i can't stand heartaches...and the best way to not experience heartache, is not to get into any relationship at all..

so sleepy.. *gee* it's night time again.. somehow, i always feel emotional and think alot when i'm alone.. I'm so overwhelmed by all the things around me..family, friends, work, loved ones...... Things do not seem favourable to me at all.. i'm not myself anymore..i've lost my bubbliness and cheerful self..and i'll never find it back again..i know..i never will.. i'm a bitch..really..you just won't know what i'm thinking about..what i'm gonna do.. i'm fake.. nobody will know me better than myself..

Shopping List:
2 formal skirts
2 formal tops
1 jacket
1 dress
2 skirts
2 tops
1 wallet for daddy
1 bag for mummy
3 pierre cardin bras
1 tifanny & co. bracelet & necklace
1 belt for dar
1 pair of pants for dar

Rebecca - age 8.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

Billy - age 4.
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

Karl - age 5.
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

Chrisy - age 6.
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

Terri - age 4.
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure taste is OK."

Danny - age 7.
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

Bobby - age 7. (Wow!)
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

Nikka - age 6.
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt,then he wears it everyday."

Noelle - age 7.
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

Tommy - age 6.
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

Cindy - age 8.
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

Mary Ann - age 4. *hahaha*
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

Jessica - age 8.
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

~*~*~*~* I Like This Best! *~*~*~*~

Lauren - age 4.
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

Accept me for who i am if you really love me, if you can't...others will. Well, at least, God does!

miss my friends.. been reading my friends' blogs..then i realised that we haven't met each other for like 4 years..since sec 4...GoSh...i really miss them...i really do... it makes me think back in the past...in sec sch...it was really a very fun time.. getting into trouble together, getting punished together ( i mean, getting into trouble was no fun).. but it was just so carefree...unlike now...so many things to think about..well, "there's always a price to pay for growing up", and the price that i paid was my innocence..*keke* hey, i'm a good girl k!

i give up, i really give up.. i somehow feel that this relationship is going no where.. it's not real at all..i can't be myself, who i really am.. goodness, quarrels and arguements everyday..i can't stand it..can't tolerate it anymore.. i rest my case on this...

i really wonder how my friends are getting along in their relationship with their bf...kam..see toh..jasmine..etc... been reading their blogs, seems like they get along pretty well ...so, issit just me? am i the problem or they just never post the "negative" side on blog? *keke* well, it's driving me crazy~

kam.. shall we meet up soon? i'm missing you..lotz!

*siGh* i hate rainy days..it makes my mood bad..

She's missing him.. and i'm boiling.. well, it must be him that she's missing..if not, who else? *argh* sounds ridiculous that i'm getting jealous over such stuff...so what if i am? your business or mine?

Exam's tmr..and i've yet to start revising..i dun even have the notes..and that bloody teacher never post it on MEL, how am i suppose to get the notes? Can't bE bothered...

My piano teaching schedule is all mixed up..when will i ever get it back on track again? Cancelled lessons donkey time coz of work.. and i feel totally irresponsible..spoil my market..

He's my 4th, not sure if he's my last..as much as i want him to...but............ i dunno, just feel that things somewhere, somehow is not right.. I dun like the way things are now.. I'm afraid to get hurt.. i wasn't supposed to be in a relationship after 'him'...i told myself that...but........... am i too demanding? *sheesh* i just feel that this relationship is not real..it's not close to heart...it seems so fake, so artificial... i dunno..i can't explain...

*HeCk*

iT's bEen a dRy & wEt Day....dRY in thE daY, wEt at niGht....rAininG cAts & doGs! i went over to the other side of my neighbourhood to teach piano and while waiting at the traffic to turn green, this KUKU car drove right past me and ya..guessed it...saw a swirl of H2O coming in my direction and ya...my lower half of body is drenched! Inconsiderate driver...can't he drive slower on a rainy day? *argh*

Finished Business Planning Exam today...tmr's Family Business Management.. BP was....ok, just that i didn't study enough..missed out quite a few points...*heck* Was in the lift with my dad when he poped this question: wat am i gonna do after graduation? so i just say, i'm gonna teach piano..and swimming.....then he replied "So, wat's the Diploma in Business Studies for?.....hMMmm....ya, wat's it for? I'm just getting a piece of paper for the sake of getting it...weLL, that's the noRm liFe of a typical kiD in SingapoRe ain't it?!

officially 6 more days and i'll be out of the schooL! unless i repeat any modules lah...er...hope not... well, honestly..it doesn't really matter to me anymore..

bEen thinkiNG of DaR'..evEry hoUr, miN, seC...yA, miSsEd hiM quiTe a biT... anD thoT of otHers stuFf as weLL...thiNK it's the "tiMe-oF-thE-monTh..peRHapS?! beEn feeLinG so uncertain about the both of us.. there's so many side of him, i dunno which is which..dunno how to react to his different personality... he's Loving, Domineering, Sweet, Firm, Caring, Fierce etc.... i personally still stand firm in believing that a couple can't be working together... there's too many behaviour to adapt to, to react to different situations, the blurred boundaries between upline and dar'... perhaps that's why we're always blowing hot and cold towards each other... hELo? it's only the 1st month...come to think of it, i really dunno how we can strive on.. Ya, i'm too demanding... i really need someone to dote on me...100%... and i totally agree and understand that giving too much, or rather..."over-giving" is very draining for the other party, and i dunno..sometimes i feel like i give too much and not getting returns...oh, and talking about returns... love ain't suppose to get any return right? Bullshit...Pardon me... who does not expect return in a relationship? please post your view on the tag board on the right...if you DUN expect any return in relationship... i guess no one? Ha~ just a moment of thought...i thought of Hamtaro...He always says he does not expect any feelings returned...well....

I'm so tired....physically tired, mentally tired, spiritually tired, physchologically tired...etc..

T.I.R.E.D

Giving to me is when i'm having exams and my friends give me morning calls.

Giving to me is when my Dad comes into my room to have a see what I am doing.

Giving to me is my Fanny who give me 9 chocolates and leaves 1 for herself.

Giving to me is when Shannies offers to buy lunch/dinner back for me.

Giving to me is when Darling presses the "open" button while i enter the lift.

Giving to me is when I treat my friends for lunch, and they treat me back the next time.

Giving to me is when other people's food looks so much better than mine, and they offer me a bite.

Giving to me is offering food anyway. *grinz*

Giving to me is when i go to a Darling's place and drink the ribena he made.

Giving to me is when associates take time to encourage me and say a kind word.

Giving to me is mummy forgiving me for all the stupid things i've done.

Giving to me is Grandfather trusting me.

Giving to me is when Darling feeds me with medicine when I'm ill.

Giving to me is family and friends not letting go even when i crumbled.

Giving to me is when the television seems kilometers away and my sister switched it on for me.

Giving to me is feeling Darling's arms around me whenever no one's around.

Giving to me is Alvin's bear hug before competitions.

Giving to me is when my friends are there when my world seemed so dark.

Giving to me is when Darling offers to pick me up, and fetch me around.

Giving to me is Darling driving me even when i don't ask.

Giving to me is the time friends spends saying nothing at all, yet being there, which achieves so much more.

Giving to me is when Germin scold and nag at me when she sees that i'm wrong.

Giving to me is God's gift for all the talents and abilities i have.

Giving to me is when Darling calls me every time he misses me.

Giving to me is talking to Mummy about anything under the sun.

Giving to me is when Darling's mummy accepts me.

Giving to me is when Shannie finds out that i took her biscuit and said nothing.

Giving to me is when Ernest clears the trash when it's my duty.

Giving to me is Ernest covering up for me when i do something naughty.

Giving to me is Mummy's golden advices daily.

Giving to me is Darling being there for me always.

These are some of the things i remember that people have given in my life. It is not so much the gifts but the giver.I remembered the smiles and the hugs, their hearts and their prayers.

Gifts are always good but what i remembered most are the people behind the gifts, not the gifts itself.

*yawn* just woke up...no more school! yipeEE! but..getting ready for final examinations....well, i do feel a bit of pressure...afraid that i can't do well...so, i'm gonna study for the last 4 papers i have..not gonna wait till last min this time *keke*

Daddy went out before i could borrow the vehicle from him *uh oh* supposed to go and get all the stocks today...gotta wait till another day then..

Darling has been really sweet....he knew i wasn't happy with him he night before...brought me out for breakfast...walk around the market looking at fishes...cutting his hair...and bringing me for a walk at esplanade....he's really very sweet and thoughtful, always concern about how i'm feeling and wants me to be happy always.. i feel that i'm really very bad to him.. coz he' really to good for me...i'm afraid my temper, character, personality will chase him away someday...he's part of my life now..But darling always keeps things to himself...and that's one thing i really can't tolerate...i dunno, but i just feel frustrate everytime he keeps things from me...like he can only share his happiness with me and not his problems etc...it's not being mutual at all.. this will keep me form opening up to him in future... if he's not open to share everything with me, how am i suppose to open up my heart to him? ya.. to each individual, they might wanna keep their own privacy...well, i'm a very practical person...if you open up 100% to me, i'll do the same....

I somehow feel that See Kay Soh is very lonely here in Singapore, as his wife and 2 children are in New Zealand..he very much wanna go over and join them...i can feel his desire...but he is tied down by work....It's the first time i ever felt so strongly of wanting to help a person gain his financial freedom..he is tied down by work in school...and he's already catching up on his age...and does not have his family with him...he's slogging away in Singapore, and family enjoying over at the other side....does his family ever appreciate him at all? do they take him for granted?

All in all.... " Never frown even when you're feeling down, because you'll never know who's in love with your smile! "

It's a very very hot afternoon! and i just got home..went to meet darling at sembawang mrt station...then took a free shuttle bus to sembawang shopping centre just to buy a 90cents battery water for his car...and we took the wrong shuttle bus back.......lala...lele....lolo....we spent almost 2 hours touring yishun/sembawang *bleah*

Darling has been very sweet...came my house with breakfast...when i open my eyes, the first person i see is him *wink* haven't ate breakfast in ages...and i had bacon, egg, fries, bee hoon..e.t.c......weeEee~

Time with Dar' just passes by like.....like....aeroplane? er...wat's faster than aeroplane? ahha~ it's scary...been together for about 19 days...since 29th March 2004....and he's really been very nice...the nicest Dar' ever...It's really scary coz, if he's gonna leave me...i dunno wat i can do...i'm like so dependant on him now...Make me seem like some 'xiao nu ren' hor? *keke*

oh....and 19 days to graduation! and i'll be outta NP...into the world out there...probably can't get into SMU...i feel....think i'll apply for SIM when my results are out

It's a lie that i said i dun mind....that i'm not unhappy...about the fact that i feel like a mistress *haha* sounds funny hor? there are so many factors to consider..but dunno why leh, everytime when this matter arises, i feel really agitated and uneasy about it..and my mood just changes like...a burst of bubble..can't be helped..really...i also have no idea what to do abt it...so, anything that DaR' decides, i just listen and follow loh, though i may throw tantrums lah...

i feel my project mates are starting to have this 'barrier' between me and themselves...they feel that i haven't been contributing much to the group, that i always have music lessons in the evening...perhaps, they may think that it's excuses for leaving early...but it's not...i do really have lessons in the evening...i feel, each and everyone's priority in life is different, and mine is to earn money...their's is perhaps to get the best grades ever...i feel, i've done wat i can, all the work that is allocated to me...just that, i'm not WITH the group whenever, and wherever they are....is my presence there really important where i can produce the work i'm suppose to do on time? they really should consider from my point of view...ya, they may be rich...come from rich family....get all the money they wan...but i gotta work to get the money alrite....ArGh~ but then again, i admit that i'm at fault too lah... perhaps they feel that i should be part of the team, and not act alone..

i'm still very skeptical about my relationship with Dar'...dunno how long it'll last, coz i'm really a difficult gal to handle...emotionally......hope he has the patience to keep up with me...

Never say "I love you" if you don't really care.
Never talk about feelings if they aren't really there.
Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart.
Never look in the eye when all you do is lie.
The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall and it works both ways...

i still don't feel very confortable the way this relationship is heading towards... i feel so uneasy infront of others, but i feel so confortable when i'm with him alone....Jasmine says that the 'right' person for you, is that when you're with him, you'll feel really confortable..and just lying in his arms, will cause you to sleep...and feel at ease....and i can say that only ultraman gives me this kinda feelings...weird, but true..

However, i'm really very skeptical about this relationship...i dunno, very insecure...oh, and i'm getting married when i'm 25 years old....5 more years leh..so fast...and i mean it leh...that means i must find really hard for that person....now.....well, he'll still be in army...too bad....

School's hell for me...tons of projects to clear...and all so messed up....i dunno, kinda give up already...too tedious...too much work load for me to handle..now waiting for SMU's reply...really hope i can get in wor....

Jealousy Kills...

i never felt so angry before...not for a long time till yesterday...i spotted him reading HER blog ..does he ever think how i would feel? ..reading HER blog...wanting to know how she's doing....wat she's thinking...ya, and she's missing him like crazy...and i'm suppose to pretend nothing happened.. oh man, i just can't do it..she's on his mind every now and then...he's still very much concern over her...the feelings is still there..i know....how am i suppose to "replace" her position...anyhow, they've been together for about 2 years? wateva..i'm used to it...dunno wat guys treat me as....substitute? companion? or just a playmate? it's reality..michelle, face it!

2 of them still liking each other, can't forget each other...still live in each others' memory...then i think, it's really unfair for me...i shall just get on with life, and pretend nothing has happened....I've given up on finding my 'perfect' one, coz there'll never be one....

I've applied for SMU already...think they'll reply me by May...well, ultimately...i would still like to get a degree...but if not, i can just teach piano..Right now, i just wanna finish my studies...30 more days and i'm graduating outta Ngee Ann Poly, into the world out there...the cruel world, reality....

finally...it's a sunNy day! been raining cats and dogs for the past 2 days..

Thot i was supposed to go to sch, then i woke up late...and luckily i woke up late. COz, we dun need to go sch at all today!...it's E-learning week...stay at home, go online, do tutorial...Done! so shiok right? *keke* haven't been to school for 3 weeks already...Oh, did i mention why i woke up late? i was supposed to wake ultraman up at 2am, to study for test. I called...till 230am!!!! and finally he picked up the phone....and went back to sleep...Neh Neh~ waste my effort...i set my hp to auto-redial....then i hold my hp..till i fall asleep!

Something wrong with my HP leh, whenever i'm in 'xiao hong', there's no reception. By the way, 'xiao hong' is ultraman's car..haha~ anyway, Nokia's coming with a clam shell phone...and i'm gonna get it...*wiNk*

Hamtaro informed me of his new number...and i told him that i've replied his email...i dunno what he's thinking, but he asked me about ultraman..i can't say much, coz the fact is...there's nothing much to say! but right now, i'm very happy...as in, i never felt happier for the past 3 weeks...i dunno it'll last till when, but just lemme enjoy the moments...

So hungry...again~

It's raining again..past 2 days' been ..i dunno, i'm speechless. It's too 'fast' for me to handle.

Test on Sat was so.....easy? haHa~ dunno leh, but it's like, i was 15mins late, and i took 40 mins to do the paper, and left the exam hall earlier than anyone..Well, shall wait for the results to be out and see how lah huh! TheN weNt to teaCH piano all the way till 730pm, no choice..my students are going for theory exam on 13th March, so i gotta revise with them. My first batch of students going for exam leh, so nervous!

YePz, then weNt JunCtioN 8 to meet him...CoZ.....he's been after me the whole day...as in, showing his jealousy, anger, possesiveness etc....i dun understand why is he doing all these, since we're no longer together. So, i meet him for dinner at J8 and talk things out. I told him, i'm happy with where i am now. In fact, i feel happier. I no longer feel trapped, having no freedom when i'm with him. I realised that there are many thing around me, for me to do, to enjoy, to discover etc....i dunno if i've hurt him with my words...but, ya....everything has to have an ending, be it a happy one...or.......

Despite all i've said, he still calls....*siGh* Well, went for a financial intelligence seminar yesterday. We gotta play this game, where the objective is to get outta a "rat race". there are about 7 tables playing this game, 6 players per table and i was the 4th to come outta the race! Well, there's nothing to be proud about actually...i thought the game was just like any other monopoly game, just that the concept is a little different. How can a game and real life situation be compared? i learnt a few things about myself...abt my impulsiveness in buying things...but hey!...greater risk, greater gain k! haha~ perhaps i gotta play the game a few more times to grasp the concept of it...

The relationship between ultraman and i is growing more complicated day by day..i guess right now, we do have a little feeling for each other, but both is fearful of commiting to each other..he feels i'm too flirtatious, and he doesn't have time for me etc...and i feel that he still can't forget his ex-gf of 2 years! that's one thing i can't tolerate...he still keep his photos in his hp k!...recent photos somemore...dated 14th Feb...valentines..3 weeks ago only...i mean, 3 weeks ago they're still so close and now.......we're giving each other 1 week to think thru...and well, see how it goes! Perhaps we should just stay where we are now

Haven't been answering Hamtaro's call...dunno how he feels, but i feel he's been very unsympathetic with the situation i'm in now..i just broke up with him, and hamtaro's back to action again...calling me dear...ending his sms to me with "muack"...i mean, i really dun like it! *sheesh*

No sCh toDay...and tmR...weird...since like i haven't been schooling for ages...Nah, i definately dun miss school...haha~ oh! my friend suddenly msged me yesterday...haha~ haven't spoke to him in ages man. He msged "hi, do you still remember me?"...actually i forgot, then i msged back...and he told me who he was..haha~ he's in army now...at sispec, PTI hor..dun play play...he's fit lah, not surprised...

And....I'm hungry~

hE camE mY hoUSe yesterday, to CoLLeCt a bOOk fRom mE. SO wEirD, so HappY to SeE Him..wE weRe chaTtinG foR awhile when Ultraman msged me..he took my phone, and saw his msg, and was angry.

i went to BUONA VISTA to sign the attendance for him, then proceed to the headquaters..had an informative seminar.. he msged, he called...he's jealous, i know he is. He is jealous that i'm with ultraman, he called and voiced his anger and jealousy..i think ultraman must be frustrated when i was quarreling with him over the phone, till ultraman drove me to his house. *faintz* I really felt like crying..i'm in total confusion!!! I told him to drive me home immediately...well, think he could tell that i'm upset, we stood at the carpark and chat for awhile. By the way, i lost my HP pouch..again! Nah, it's better than losing a handphone!

Reached home, he called...and we had a tiff again...BUT, i dunno...everything turned out very nicely after that...we chit chat for quite along while...settled this problem..and, he gave me a kiss before we hung up. I dunno if we should continue being like this, because...we're just friends, and i'm afraid that we're leading each other on, giving each other hope. I dunno why i can't e hard-hearted as to stop answering his calls, stop replying his msgs....but then again, i dun think i'll do this to anyone lah...SeE hoW loH, he says he's gonna tell me one 14th..tell me wat? i dunno..just wait and see loh...9 more days...hmm...

Oh, i turned down a date today..i mean, not exactly a date lah..but i thought i should stay at home to at least flip open my file, and read 'abit' of my lecture notes...i have a test tmr!!! dunno wat will WM think...it's definately not an excuse, that i say i wanna stay at home and study..i really wanna study, but i just can't get to work leh...*sigh*

Tmr's pastor's bday, suppose to go TC today, for 144 meeting, then celebrate for her..but i was 'supposed' to go to ultraman's office today...and i know i'll feel awkward if i go...Chat with 'Ting over the icq for awhile yesterday, and ya..haha~ weird, but we feel weird now...as in...PTTP...is no longer together...friends for dunno how many years..but...why ah? i dun understand... friends come together for a common interest...so does it mean that if there's no common interest/goal, it's difficult to be friends anymore? I'm quite affected by it..coz friends are really important to me..

*ShRuGs*

i'm so depressed....so depressed.....so helpless...he called, and he raised his voice at me, just like the past..i dun understand why...we're like, just friends...is he jealous coz i'm with ultraman? why?.. i was in a all happy mood, till he calls...it always happens...i should not have picked up his call...should not reply to his messages..et.c....

Can't i do my own things? i mean...i should have my own freedom..even dogs can go out for a walk, wat about me? so embarrassing, i dunno how ultraman felt...he drove me to his place, as me to settle the problem there and then...gOsh, i'm so afraid, they may just fight..

I dunno wat he wants, and why is he reacting this way... and i'm so bothered about wat ultraman might be thinking.. i dunno..i'm so depressed....i just wanna cry my night away... no one understand me, no one's there to be with me...to comfort me....i'm just a burden.. a task...or watever.